


Couldn't

by orphan_account



Category: Starfighter (Comic)
Genre: Angst, Irony, M/M, More angst, Secrets, circular storytelling, pretty pointless, suicide mission
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-02
Updated: 2013-05-02
Packaged: 2017-12-10 03:30:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/781265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Battle is won, but the war isn't over."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Couldn't

**Author's Note:**

> First fanfic yay :D This fandom has a lot of amazing writers (been lurking for a while -_-) and I hope this isn't crappy compared to the rest! Anyway, just toying around with ideas of what exactly the whole "secret mission" Cain's got going on behind Abel's back. Def totally got it all wrong but it was fun to write regardless. Everything belongs to Hamletmachine.

The room felt unfamiliar. It was dark, with only the circle window letting in trace glimmer from far away lights. It smelled clean. The laundry was done, garbage taken down to the incinerator. The blankets were neatly folded on top of the beds, but they weren't like they always were, pushed together haphazardly and askew from fucking. They were in their proper place, on top of one another in their bunks. Like they were meant to be used. It was the first thing Abel noticed when he walked in.

He'd been out all day, not wanting to come back. Afraid to make it real. He'd spent the day going to different celebrations. Had a drink with Keeler, but couldn't taste anything in the champagne but the bitter dry notes. Stopped by Ethos' room, pretended to hug him back when the younger boy had held him and cried into his shoulder. Had said he was happy they both made it out alive too, when really Abel was half lying. Left when Deimos came in, silent and staring at Abel like he didn't belong there. Got the hint and left them alone. After, locked himself in a storage room and didn't come out again until it was late. Hadn't expected Cain to still be awake, hadn't expected him to spend the day cleaning out the room.  

Abel stood in the doorway, shifting weight from his left leg to the right. Stayed silent, watched his fighter sprawled on his bed above with a cigarette between his lips. Cain only looked down at him once, saw Abel's tear-wet eyes in the darkness, stars reflected in them. Then he didn't look anymore, didn't want to. Knew what he'd see there reflected back at him, so why bother. He wasn't going to talk about it anymore, didn't feel like he could. Abel stood there for so long, Cain could hear his small feet shuffling on top of the metal. Cain wanted to yell at him. Wanted to order him to get into bed and not fucking mention a damn thing about what had happened. But Abel was never one to take orders from him, so why bother. 

 

"I just want to know why." 

 

So quiet, so easy to ignore. Cain could have easily pretended he didn't hear the crack in the little voice, couldn't feel emotion around the edges of the words. But he could, and that was the problem.

 

"Cain…please answer me."  Louder this time. Closer.

 

He was next to his bed, trembling like this morning when Cain had told him to agree to be reassigned. Not sad, because Abel understood. He just wanted to know why now, why after destroying the Colteron shipyard. Why when they were finally able to make love without Abel crying in the middle of it. Why when Cain didn't have to hold him through the night. Why now to decide he was done with him, like Abel always knew he'd end up doing.  

 

Cain threw his arms over his eyes, stubbed the cigarette on the edge of his pillow, made the sterile room smell of burnt cotton. "The fun is out of it." 

 

A small choke, a soft exhale. The navigator nodded, so shaky now that he could have been static. Wanted nothing more than for his fighter to look at him, look him in the eyes and tell him again so he could be sure he meant it and make it easy to forget. But Cain didn't look. Didn't have to. Could hear the shudders and the bed beneath him creaking to know he couldn't bring himself to repeat it. 

 

\---

 

_It all started with the thoughts. They'd been ghosting in and out of Cain's head since they first arrived on the Sleipnir. Saw the way the seasoned soldiers on the ship looked at Abel, leering and staring. Wondered if the tiny silver navigator was worth all the bullshit, all the fights he got into in order to keep Abel to himself. Thought about how easy it would be if he'd settled with one of the other two navigators after all, the ones that were less compatible. The ones that weren't Abel._

_But Cain knew it was aimless thinking. Knew because when he'd come back to the room, Abel lying down on his back and arms outstretched towards the empty side of the bed, Cain's chest would feel strange. Knew because he'd bite and suck the navigator's neck until he woke up without complaints, so bruised and drowsy and already hard. Knew because Abel would stare at Cain straight in the eye, lips slightly parted forming a little black heart in the middle, begging for his dick to be inside him and Cain would lose it. Nothing else mattered after that, not even the dried blood and bandaged ribs._

_Things had only really gotten difficult after the Tiberius had been shot down. Happened during a Colteron ambush. A selection of Red Teams were sent and Ethos had lived, Praxis hadn't. Cain hadn't given a fuck and Abel had. Cain had wanted to know why he'd come back from training and found Abel crying about it, why he gave a fuck about some dead handicapped fighter that wasn't his. Cain had been shaking, eyes clouded with rage. He had flipped their chest and wrecked it, had to get a new one after. He'd asked Abel again, had asked if he'd been fucking Praxis this whole time. Abel couldn't keep calm long enough to answer, so Cain had to leave again or he was afraid that he'd break Abel too._

_He'd come back to the room later that night after drinking copious amounts of contraband, calmer then. Abel had stayed up, had been sitting on the bed naked, all red eyes and tear-tracked cheeks. He'd been waiting for Cain to come back, knew he would. Cain got naked too, crawled into bed, too drunk to snarl at Abel when he'd felt his skinny arms wrap around him. Couldn't bring himself to tear him away when Abel nuzzled into his chest, like he was trying to bury himself there._

_"It could have been you." Abel had whispered. "Could have been us."_

 

\---

 

Abel wasn't used to sleeping on such a small bed. Wasn't used to having Cain above him with so much distance in between. Wasn't even used to this silence, suffocating and smothering out the faint buzz of the ship. Felt the sting around his eyes. He needed a damn explanation, even though Abel felt he knew the answer. Perhaps he'd been used up. But he wanted to hear Cain say it, wanted him to look at him while he said it. Needed that if he had to move on. 

 

"Cain." Wasn't asking, was demanding an answer.

 

"What, Abel?" it was quick, raspy at first before it stabilized. He wasn't asleep either.

 

"Can…can I just lie down next to you tonight? It'll be the last time."

 

Cain sighed, wanted to say yes but knew it'd make this harder. His fucking impulses always won out though. They always did with Abel, except for when it mattered.

 

"Yeah sure, whatever." He pulled his jacket off, moved over in the quiet dark. 

 

Abel didn't say anything, all but jumping out of the bottom bunk and climbing onto Cain's. He already had his back turned, facing the wall and away from Abel. Cain's back was too straight to be relaxed, his shoulders hunched forward to hide his face. Abel lay down on his side, daring himself to run a finger down his spine.

 

"Please look at me," he half whispered and half begged. Cain didn't respond. Abel inched his hand closer, put it on his waist. 

 

He turned then, finally. His eyes shone in the darkness, bright with frustration and something imperceptible. 

 

"Are you fucking serious? How pathetic are you?" He was resting on his elbows now, snarling and exposing the snaggletooth that Abel had grown to like. "Do you want me to fuck you, Abel? Is that what you fucking want?" 

 

Abel stared at him, wide eyed and silent. Wanted this moment to drag out so he wouldn't have to answer. 

 

"Y-yes. I want you to fuck me." 

 

Cain glared at him, then threw his hand over his face and groaned. Abel looked down, beginning to turn away before Cain grabbed his arm and flipped him on his back. 

 

"Why. Why do you want that? Are you a filthy slut, Abel? Is this what you'll be like with your new goddamn fighter when you get him?"

 

"I want you to fuck me because…" he hesitated, felt his throat closing up, didn't want to cry now. "Because that's all I'm good for. I'm only good for fucking and navigating." There was a bite to it, subtle, but there.

 

Cain straddled his waist, pinned him down with his weight. Didn't smirk, didn't even growl. 

 

"Blyat…" and then his lips were on Abel's.

 

\---

 

_After Tiberius crashed, Cain couldn't be rough with Abel anymore. Couldn't bend him in two when they fucked, couldn't bury his face in the pillows to muffle his moans. Didn't want Abel to make any noise at all because they'd almost always turn into sobs. He was breaking anyway, no matter how gently Cain would push himself in, no matter how softly he'd touch him. It was so damn hard to be soft, but he'd have done anything for Abel to enjoy it again._

_The ghosts had come back, would stray into his thoughts. He'd look at his navigator beneath him, snow white skin, shining like platinum under the sheen of sex. He'd always keep his eyes closed tight, biting his bottom lip so hard that the scar would bleed open every time. Cain would go slower, would ask if he was okay. Couldn't believe that he'd even ask, but he'd have done anything to get Abel to open his eyes again._

_Abel would always ask "What if this is the last time?" afterwards._

_And Cain couldn't leave for the bathroom quick enough, because he couldn't even process the question without that strange feeling in his chest. He hated that question, wished he could have hated Abel instead._

 

\---

 

Cain kissed Abel until he could hear the soft moans building up into his mouth. Didn't plan on going through with fucking him, couldn't bring himself to. Couldn't even get it up because Abel was trembling so hard and knew it was all because of him. Cain put his hands on Abel's slim shoulders, gently pushed him back. Looked at him, really looked. Saw the argent liquid forming in his pretty eyes, saw the warmth in them too. Felt his hot breath, hot skin, hot mouth. Knew he couldn't fucking do it, do anything. 

 

Abel stared back, little mouth open and raw. "Tell me now, tell me why…"

 

Cain couldn't help it. Couldn't not tell, not with Abel looking at him with those shiny round eyes.

 

\---

_He'd thought things would go back to normal after they'd won, after they'd nearly died in the anti-matter bomb that destroyed the Colteron fleet. Abel had gathered enough strength to get them out of it alive, dodging shots and maneuvering them into safety and giving Cain easy access to enemy ships to destroy. Abel had been great in battle. Just like Cain had known he would be. Just like Commander Bering had said he would be._

_Half of the red team had died, and most of the blue team never even made their ships back to the Sleipnir. Abel hadn't cried about it when they landed, didn't even look at Cain, just stayed sitting in his seat like he had frozen over. It scared Cain, had wanted Abel to look at him, assure him that he was alright. He'd called out to him a couple of times, contained himself as much as he could. Had tried not to yell at him, yell that they were alive, in case he hadn't known. When Abel had finally taken off his helmet and looked over at Cain, he had been smiling with those big teary eyes and Cain couldn't have given any less of a fuck about the tugging feeling in his chest. He let it stay there for once, let it grow and smolder as he took of his belt and crawled to Abel, held him._

_They had both decided to skip the recommended medical bay check up. Didn't give a fuck about the integrity of the Reliant post-battle. Didn't give a fuck about minor scratches or bruising. They'd seen that Ethos and Deimos were okay, had seen them covered in blood and embracing. Everythign that mattered now was the breaths they took in and the heartbeats they felt. Cain had felt hot with need, surging with relief to be alive, alive with Abel. Couldn't hold back, and so he had started attacking Abel's mouth in the lift. Had tried to ignore the eerie silence as he all but carried his navigator to their room. Fucked him with fervor, had kissed him deep, had made him moan without crying. Made Abel lay on his back, held his face with his hands while he nipped at his throat. Had looked him in the eyes again, saw the want in them and remembered why he'd missed it so much._

_He'd thought things would go back to normal after they'd won, but nothing between them had ever been normal. So when Commander Bering had called Cain down to his office later that night, he hadn't been surprised.  Wasn't surprised when Bering congratulated him. Wasn't surprised when Bering told him he'd made a good choice. Wasn't surprised when he was told the final phase of the mission would still go through after all. Had fucking almost expected it when he'd learned what exactly the third phase was. But he had almost fucking lost it when he read the file anyway, because he knew he couldn't go through with it after all. Had known better than to react in front of Bering. Had to be escorted out and down the hall before he had found himself punching the wall. He couldn't do this to Abel, he wasn't too proud to deny that._

_Had to find a way out of it, had to fix what he'd indirectly started._

\---

 

Shaking, his hands were shaking and Abel couldn't stop them. He sat back on the tiny bed as Cain told him everything. 

Bering.

The file.

The Colteron mothership. 

Their artifact.

The suicide mission.

 

"Y-y-you weren't going to tell me…that we would be purposely killing ourselves…for a piece of metal?"

 

"It's not a fucking piece of metal, Abel. You know better than anyone how important it is to the Colterons, that thing gets destroyed and their mothership AND planet are fucking useless. The commanders all know it, Mother disclosed the information to The Alliance. You're smart. You're supposed to know." Cain sighed, hands in his hair, staring at his knees.

 

Abel took in harsh gulps of air, not shaking as violently. Yes, he knew. Had tried to break into the very same file Cain mentioned through the ship's system. Couldn't. Was heavily restricted and Abel couldn't access it. Knew exactly what it all meant now. Best navigator, best fighter. Paired together to create an unstoppable force. The ones with the most hope to push through enemy lines. To destroy the Colteron life force. Sacrificial lambs.

 

"That's why I wanted to reassign. I can't fucking do it, Abel. Not without you knowing. I mean fuck, I know I'm going to die in this war anyway. Bering had told me it'd be an honorable mission. Said you'd make all the honorable decisions. All I had to do was blow shit up. Didn't know you'd have to die. Didn't know it'd be us killing ourselves and that's what he'd meant by fucking 'honorable'. I didn't know you'd have to…I'd asked him from the beginning what would happen to you, I have…" couldn't continue, had to stop to breathe, because Cain doesn't like getting emotional. 

 

"Cain…" 

 

The navigator got closer to the fighter, tentatively put his hand on his shoulder. Cain lifted his head, for once in his life seeming lost and unsure, so different from the persona he always wanted everyone to believe in and cower under. But Abel knew him better, knew the tenderness below the exterior. Had fallen in love with it. 

 

"I don't want to reassign…" Abel placed his lips to Cain's, still shaking but held them there. "I'd rather go through with it, with you. I…you're my fighter." He left it at that and kissed him. 

 

\---

 

_Abel had felt the bed was cold the next morning, had woken up because of it. Knew Cain hadn't been in bed for a while. It was just like their first time, he'd thought. Had tried to shrug it off but couldn't. Remembered the battle the day before, must have slept for over 12 hours. Hadn't seen the point in staying in any longer and went to shower. He'd made the water scalding hot, to really feel it.  Didn't feel when Cain walked in, only realized when he was in the shower with him. Abel had turned to smile at him, but he was rigid like a statue with a stormy look in his eyes._

_"Where'd you go?"_

_"Out, I was out." Hadn't said anything else._

_Had grabbed Abel's ass, lifted him up and hooked his legs around his middle. Made him hold the shower head for support, kissed and bit the skin on Abel's chest as he entered him. Abel had melted into his movements, like he was liquid instead of bones and flesh. Cain's mouth had traveled upwards, captured Abel's plump lips. Tongued the scar he'd put there, where he'd let everyone know Abel was 'his'. Cain leaned back, had started thrusting in earnest, eyes travelled over Abel's white skin, pink around the shoulders and neck. Had made it so good Abel couldn't stop the soft declaration of love form tumbling out of him. Wanted to let him know how deep Cain truly ran within him._

_"There's a couple of get togethers going on right now…" Abel said afterwards, had tried to look busy dressing himself and shifted his eyes downward. He blushed when Cain didn't say anything._

_"You should go." Cain took out his pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lit one, reclined against the pillows, stared at nothing._

_"I meant with you… I want to go with you."_

_"Can't do, princess." Exhale of smoke, face hidden behind it._

_"Oh. Why not? I'm pretty sure Deimos is with Ethos right now so-"_

_"Because…" Cain had reached to his side, grabbed a dirty cup to ash in, had taken another drag before he'd finished. "I need to figure out who my new navigator is going to be. Battle is won, but the war isn't over."_

 

\---

 

Cain stood outside Bering's office, had left Abel asleep on his top bunk. Had watched him sleep for five minutes before he'd realized what a pussy he was being. Let himself kiss him one last time, though. Grabbed his things quickly and left, like he'd planned. 

 He held the reassignment forms, faked Abel's signature on them. He waited for one of Bering's assistants to let him in, patient because he knew Abel would sleep through the morning. Had told Abel they'd continue with the mission. Knew the whole time he wouldn't. Had fucked Abel softly after, like he liked. So he wouldn't cry. 

 

Couldn't tell him that he couldn't do it, Cain couldn't kill Abel. 

 


End file.
